For ages, we believed that intergalactic communication would be the end result of centuries of scientific and technological advancement. Contact between two sentient species would occur only after profound enlightenment had been achieved by both parties. It would be a cosmic event.
We were super wrong.
As it turns out, the only form of communication which spans time, space, and species is extreme sports. So, when the Log Jammers Tournament first came to Earth, humanity was demolished, and our world was scorched and blasted for our failure.
Now, the contest is returning, and we’ve learned our lesson. Move over science. This tournament is about to get jammed.
Log Jammers is a fast-paced sports game where players continuously throw axes at the goals of their opponent, attempting to score. Dodge, catch, juke, and outmaneuver your opponent as you sling those bladed tree-banes with expert precision or rapid desperateness. It’s competitive couch co-op like you’ve never tasted.
Rad Carlton – Although he is the youngest of a group of thrill-seeking surf enthusiasts/criminals known as the Riptides, Rad is also the fastest, baddest, raddest of the bunch. He enters the tournament in order to chase waves across the cosmos. Gnarly!
Bruiser Bogardus – Bruiser is the type of dude to eat meat until his teeth bleed. Years of wood-carving contests, with events like burling and chainsaw juggling, have prepared him for the Log Jammers Tournament, where he hopes to prove his strength to the entire galaxy.
Hot Foot Francis – Although much of humanity has taken to a subsistence existence, Francis believes that the apocalypse is no reason to miss a work out. Fitness is her thing, and she’s got the speed to prove it. She considers the tournament a type of intergalactic Olympic triathlon, and wants to prove to herself that she has what it takes to be the best.
Ollie Oilsack – Brains, brains, brains. Ugh, is there ever anything different? When Ollie heard that the Log Jammers Tournament would open up the opportunity to eat the cranium goodies of a thousand variety of humanoids, he simply could not resist. So now he shambles atop log after log, awaiting his chance to chomp on something new.
Mayonnaise Monsoon – An unstable, short-chain molecule? A foul, obnoxious mob? Mood slime? The Mayonnaise Monsoon is all of this and more. A protoplasmic intergalactic traveller, the big double M feeds on the negative vibes of conflict, strife, and discord. The Log Jammers Tournament, then, is the perfect place to charge up his slime.
Sparerib Boneaparte – How do you follow up a whirlwind tour of the netherworld? That was the question facing this heavy metal skeleton after supporting his band’s newest album, Evil Shred: Army of Heartless. He decided to tour the mortal realms with the only music they understand: combat.
Fire – Grabbing the fireball sets your axe ablaze, giving it scorching speed.
Ice – What better way to slow your enemies down than encasing them in a rime of frost? Makes both defense and offense tougher!
Slime – You can’t throw what you can’t keep. This upgrade coats the axe in a slippery substance, and will stop players from holding onto the axe after they catch it. Instead, it will slip out of their hands and back into yours.
Magnet – Steal that sharpened wood splitter right out of your opponent’s hands with this puppy.
Mount Vesuvius – The official sponsors of the Log Jammers Tournament, HyperThirstKiller! Drink Co., demand an arena that is as extreme as their beverages. What better place than a super volcano that is ready to pop at any moment? Try new Backflip Buffalo Flavor and mind the magma!
Woodsman’s Pond – A serene and secluded area where the legendary Zombie Jack first learned to wield an axe. There is no more fitting setting for a tournament of this type.
International Space Station – Earth’s only neutral area, as the environment here can be tailored to accommodate creatures from all over the galaxy.